It wasn’t made apparent to me my often pessimistic and cynical characteristics until my mid to late 20’s. I never made it a priority to become this way, it wasn’t like I spent a lot of effort in my days, plotting and scheming how I can become the half empty cup of the group. It just kind of happened this way by what I think is accident. I do believe optimism and hopeful individuals all have a characteristic of some kind of faith system. It is imperative to believe in something that gives your life order, something that you’re accountable to. So your work and efforts do not go unnoticed, and you make wise choices and decisions. Obviously this ability can also be used for pessimistic individuals, but I think in the broader scale; their pessimism is strewn with nihilism, whether objective, existential or whatever other by-product. In that case, to truly believe in something, would be contradictory to their own worldview.

Disillusionment is the main active ingredient to religion, it keeps all thoughts at bay, in the faith that there is something out there that is looking out for their best interest. I have had this frame of thinking for a large majority of my life, and it was through this disillusionment that I would put precedence in my beliefs and not into responsibility. What eventually happened, is that I became a domesticated animal, without any ability to survive in real life situations. I was like a lion taken care of for its youth into early adult hood, and forced back out into the jungle. This is where I learned not only the abandonment of what I felt like was god, but also the predatory habits of humans, which I think are not at all coincidental with the rest of the animal kingdom. This whole process changed my worldview greatly, it diminished my great amount of faith in life, in god and in my fellow man. Initially this was the most scary time in my life, because for once I honestly questioned the existence of god, of a god. I tried to persuade myself out of it, would look at good days as a sign, and bad days as recognition to my disobedience to sky gods. This went on for several years, several suicide attempts, and still at my heart of hearts I feel the disillusionment, the “you’re kidding yourself”, mentality. Ask any brimstone bible beating preacher, and they will tell you that is Satan. That is the dark lord of this world, wishing to pull me down into the clutches of hell and ass rape me with a torch for eternity. With my luck, they could very well be right.

But this whole cosmological ATM machine belief system is all very contradictory to me. So I chalk up my bad luck for being disobedient, and then I chalk up the good in my life, for being obedient and living humbly before the lord. This whole idea, this whole theology is very selfish. We human beings have no capacity to do good without the constructs of some sort of  hell/heaven, good/bad judgment. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and seems to be more valuable for delusion sake.