I always had this idea of how to live my life, but now I see it was just voices in my life restricting me, from being the person that I wanted to be. If I cant be me, who the fuck is gonna do that job for me? I am sick and tired of living with restraint and restriction, I feel like I am regressing not progressing. What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I am not talking about going off and doing anything illegal I am just speaking my mind. When people like you because you are deemed as a weak fucking coward, fuck that bullshit. You cant go around kissing ass, you gotta be yourself. Why am I using so many expletives? I think to emphasize these ideas, maybe sound offensive. I already know every preconceived idea you are thinking. Every stereotype, everything you think is right, but it just turns out it is something that you learned from somebody else. So really being yourself, is being a culmination of every one in your life that you admire. So if you want to talk to me about individuality than please tell me the individuals who influence you, and make you, who you say you are. Life is is nothing more than getting to a conclusion that makes you better and stronger, and makes you elevated past the bullshit that is the obstacle in your way. Imagine a world where reputation and dollar salary didn’t surmount worth. The amount of friends, the superficial was eliminated, sounds like a horror story. But we all have this imagination of utopia. Some kind of heaven. The objective factor is the heaven we have surmised is a place, that is out of our reach. Never knew my mind lost it long before it could ever save me. I used to remember a time when words had meaning, now it’s just a big game show gimmick whose fooling who? you aren’t fooling me. You aren’t fooling the bums, the junkies. Life is a struggle, but don’t compromise who you are just climb that phallic dick you are sucking. finding out a lot of brilliant people lost their way because they didn’t want to jump on board the american dream. The more I live life the more I realize that it is all about reputation and influence. I confused the human kind with the divine. I let myself gather all my hate and disgust with this world and I placed it on the ranks of a heavenly omnipotent being, the creator of this universe. When I think about the threshold, the tolerance for this disgust, and the only thing that keeps me from the point of lashing out, it’s the divine. I cannot see any kind of beauty in this world, in life, in nature without the recourse of a creator. To be agnostic, to be an atheist, is to make declaration with ignorance. To be ignorant would be to swear allegiance to the human mind, to disregard the possible divine. I do see beauty in life, and I cannot explain that. Something in my chest still does feel a lot for humanity, and this feeling doesn’t feel like it is without an outside connection. I am not here to impress humans, or to act like I have this great idea. I just know it’s stupid to live life without any kind of divine reason to be here. I will not be a part of a congregation that accepts money to make people believe. I will never offer a free gift with a price. the capacity to numb, is death. I will go on as long as I can. But for once I think I have comfortable with whatever my fate is. It’s funny to me how people can disregard human life as mere cattle to the slaughter but then complain about them not caring about other humans. It’s a double standard ass hole, and you either play the game or you dont. The comfort of life depends on the submission of mankind. Productivity is the proclivity of our existence, the social hierarchy of our existence; the systemic struggle to survive, the lower worthless bottom feeders of society our to be crushed and left to waste. I think the biggest problem I can see with this day and age is the influence of media. It distracts us from human relationship, and entices us into pessimism; ultimately sociopath lifestyles at the harshest extent. To encourage anti-social behavior is blasphemy and provocation from the devil himself. In every human being is an instinctual desire to pursue a task, we never seem to question the source of this. Instead we neglect the task and pay homage to pride. Therein presupposes an idea. Nothing materialistic, more of the divine.There is a devil and its name is pride. It lives in the books you read, the movies you watch and the music you listen to. not sure what I want to be the next chapter of my life, I feel like I have embraced the idea of death so much that I have paused myself from living. It’s clear to me now, after affecting the people that care about me, I never want to leave them behind. I love my family, my friends and the people who ever gave a damn about me. I have lived my entire life way too selfish. All I have cared about is myself. I let drugs/alcohol rule me. I became a slave to those things. I am so fed up with myself. I just look at myself and see all the wasted potential. Now I know why everyone gets so pissed off when they see me, because they see what I never wanted for myself. I wanted to be a loser and a good for nothing. I thought I was being some kind of a martyr but truth is I was just being ignorant and stupid. I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. I hate how I have hurt my mom, my friend matt, all the people at the city rescue mission, mike thompson and all of the guys at the living rock, mike fields, the crosariol family, noah weir…. all of you cared to the extent that you offered me a hand in my life. I forgot to mention my grandparents, especially my grandpa, I really hurt him and I dont know if I can ever mend that broken bond. My uncle, me being such a dumb fucking disgrace of a human being. Some days I dont even like to call myself human. I am not being too harsh on myself. Everyone needs to quit feeling bad for me. I really fucked up and made a lot of stupid mistakes, its time I owe to all the dumb shit I’ve done. I hurt my dad, I know he hasnt been a part of my life much, but I love him, and I think me and him both struggle with the same issues. I said a lot of things that I am sure hurt him and his wife. I hear this voice inside my head telling me I am a pussy for apologizing and all that, but I need to shut that voice up, because its the same voice I have been listening to for so long that has gotten me into this fucked up state of my life that it is in. I dont know if I am becoming religious again, but something has to change. I am sick and tired of this miserable self defeating existence. I want to be a friend to people, I want to enjoy life. I do love life. I am being ignorant and stupid for thinking that I do not love life. Nobody owes me a thing in this life, anything I get is a gift. I have to work for whatever I want in this life. My enjoyment is the measure of work I want to contribute. I need to change. The year 2013 needs to be the year I buck up and change. Stop being a little bitch and whining about my problems. And do something about it. I dont know what the fuck it is that I am going to do. But I need to do something. I want to get into computers, I want to repair them and make money doing that. Then I want to do something with music and with art. Those are the two hobbies I think that I can enjoy and have fun with, plus they are not necessarily anti-social. But I mean to be honest I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet before I even think about any of that shit. I need to walk up and down every street begging for a job, crawling through the shit and the scum until somebody blesses me with a job. I need to shake every hand, smile at every face, fucking be confident and strong and appreciate everything. Never kiss ass, never beg or be pathetic. Just do what I got to do to be successful in this life. Understand that my thoughts and emotions are unpredictable, and that in as quick as I can feel good about myself, it can all change in a second and I can feel shitty. But I need to understand, that just like that I  can feel better again. I need to embrace positive feelings and emotions. Embrace the things that will help me to persevere in life. Stop listening to the negative shit inside my head and start listening to the voices that are telling me to be a good person and to enjoy this life. Hang around people who think the same way. Stop being around all this negative stupid shit. Allow myself to be vulnerable, accept criticism. Stop being such a whiny little bitch. I will keep writing until there is nothing more to be said. I want every thought every fucking idea to be out and in the open. I want to express myself completely. Nothing unturned. I forgot to mention my son. I have not even come close to being a father to him, I just didn’t care. And now I see how much I am missing out. He was a gift to me, and I didn’t want any part of it, and now I feel the remorse and regret of that. I dont give a damn what his mom might think about me, but I do deep inside care about him. I always will care about him. Even when I am dead and in the ground I will care about him. He is my blood a living part of me. I never want him to go through all the bullshit that I put myself through. This sounds like a broken record I know. Nobody rules me except for myself. I control my destiny my actions and everything I do will assure the outcome. I can be whatever I want to be. Through typing all this shit up I am starting to see and realize the therapy in expressing myself. I am beginning to understand and realize all that shit I thought was silly and just a bunch of psychological nonsense is actually working. I never wanted to hear what anybody else had to say because I thought in my head that “I got this” just like every other addict says. Its just stupid. When am I going to learn. And to accept and change. I am almost fucking 30 years old and I have wasted my life. I have just fucking wasted it. It pisses me off. But ya know I cant live in this regret. If I am working a dead end job, I should be so thankful and happy that I have another day to live on this earth. That I have another opportunity to make a amends to people. That I have an opportunity to meet a new person and to affect somebody in a positive way. And that somebody can affect me in a positive way. That I have the chance to learn something new. To be better. To overcome stupid shit that I have held onto. The voice of evil fucking self destructing, that shit has got to stop. I hear all the voices inside my head, telling me to die and to just give up, but if I got the courage and the guts to kill myself, than I got the courage and the guts to live in this fucking world. If say to myself damn I can kill myself and be ok with that, than what the fuck do I have to fear out of life. I know its a lot harder, but to me I donno. I am not making much sense right now. But I cant stop writing, I cant stop letting words come out. This is the therapy that makes me see and realize my worth, my potential. Or maybe I am crazy. I always thought I was crazy, but nobody believed me, no shrink psychiatrist believed me. The fuck charger fell out, I dont think this computer is going to be around much longer. I thank my brother for this thing. All I can think about is being homeless in the cold, having to go through this shit all over again. I dont know the last thing about being homeless living on the streets and now I am forced into it, because of bad decisions. I need to find a homeless shelter I can get into and just work at it. Fuck I dont care if I have to give another year in a program, I hope  I get that chance. Because I want to change. And I need help with it. I pray to GOD that I can have the opportunity to change my life. I hope that I get that chance to make a difference in myself. I want to have a wife, I would love to be with a women and to provide and have kids and  raise a family. Just be normal, have a normal fucking life. Why do I oppose that so much. I dont want to be this fucking loser waste of oxygen anymore. I want to contribute and love this life. This fucking explainable gift. I need to stop trying to figure things out! ya know shit doesnt have to make sense, I mean look at life. People been trying to analyze and figure it out since birth, and we are all as dumbfounded as always. Shit doesnt make sense, deal with it! what the fuck is wrong with me. Fear, I want to wrestle that bastard. Fucking fear you piece of shit. You have dominated for too long. I oppose you. You pathetic worthless.

Negligence to refuse adaptability when it (instinctual sense) would benefit yourself, seems like the biggest acceleration of ignorance. Life seems like such a facade a farce, it all just amounts to total and utter bullshit. And at the end of nihilistic bleak outlook, you get to look forward to burning in hell for eternal torment forever and ever. Or you amuse yourself in the objectifying of human life, limiting humans as nothing more than a means to a benefit, than you can squeeze through that narrow path that leads to salvation. This is really elementary because when you become an adult you figure out (through your instincts) what delivers you to a path of survival. We postulate the imaginary, when we are simplified to nothing more than the rest of the animal kingdom; survival.

Don’t get me wrong it is very comforting to believe in a god, or something that exists out in the cosmos that will watch us and guard us. But at the end of the day, or rather days… we all have one person to answer to, and that is ourselves. How incredibly selfish our species is, we rely on the myths to give us a reason to love our fellow man. And then we

I get exacerbated with the overall legitimacy of death metal music, and some times it takes me hearing something so raw and primitive to remind me of why I got into this genre of music in the first place. I have always considered myself a fan of Autopsy since hearing them in the past, but I never quite had the attention span, something so raw and gritty it left me without much appetite to

I have been wanting to express my utter disgust with life, people, technology, women… almost every facet of life that has been forcefully brought upon me. I have not entirely welcomed any interest in living, other than the strong response to family and friendship, sincere ties with human beings. But the idea of living forever scares the ever living shit out of me, I just wish that I could feel the response to life and live at last. I do not want to be in heaven eternal, or hell forever… neither idea appeals to me. I want to live my life to the fullest extent and then feel the orgasm of death, eternal rest, nothing, absolute blackness.

Haven’t been posting as much, I lost a lot of motivation and have been working a lot so not much time has been put into the blog (For all who read it anyway?). My interests in almost everything has diminished, been apathetic towards life.

The most detestable is one of who rejects his own humanity, in return for something artificial and inanimate.

The psychology behind everything points at our most primitive and instinctual attributes, as if to carry us over into a contradiction of interests. The complication of thinking collapses into a spiral of wasted energy. How do we espouse a desire absent of thought, something that perplexes beyond our own thinking and prejudice. I want to overweight the interest of our simple instinctual desires of life, if I can be met at content without the nagging interest of self preservation, if I can carry on my existence in the contradictory purpose our internal pleasures and rational reasons to strive and exist. I believe I have found the most fundamental and noble ways in the contradictory, the elemental purpose will always nag because I go against its normality. My purpose to exist is in the element of contradiction, in the expectation of death.

Life has no meaning, we are sands in the elements of disaster, we exist because the elements formulated a biological advancement beyond our intended lifespan. Nature and humanity are always there to interfere with the natural causes of life. Excitement in the contradictory, the fuel of delusion is what helps carry us on our path. Engage in the human, entertain the fairy tales and mythology.

A bleak and hopeless idea to entertain, but in the entertainment helps fuel along my path. I am excited for the unpredictability of death, of the eternal rest. I am rest assured in my ability to always lean on its possibility.

There is a distinct difference in horror when in comparison to american and Italian. Filmmakers like Lucio Fulci and Dario Argento, they delve into the gore aspect unflinchingly, whereas most american horror leaves a lot up to your own imagination. In many cases I think it aught be left to imagination, then depicting a scene that looks too face to take seriously. But I have to admit, there is something about Italian horror that really pulls me in. The most fascinating aspect is how far they will go in their delivery of gore. I think the finest example can be scene in the New York Ripper, or even the notorious Cannibal Holocaust, it really does put to shame a lot of the more recent horror directors.

It’s some of a paradoxical mystifying

Maybe there is a god, because I feel in my heart of hearts this agonizing hatred towards god. I feel in my stomach a pit of anger towards any kind of inclination about a god, about a

suspending one self into depravity, but ignoring reality, is a horrific conclusion. Its all associated with the

It is also likely that he sees hypocrisy as the norm and is attuned to delusion as the natural state of the human mind.

That is to say, it will be the result of a human mind, which is already the darkest thing in nature. As Rust tells us in the car, consciousness is an aberration from nature.

I want to give up, I really want to just cease to exist, but there is this “gnawing and ebbing” feeling to keep going, it’s outside of myself whatever it is. This impossibly simple course of existence has always given me something esoteric, invisible but still it exists. I know I sound crazy, I know this will only make sense to myself, but somehow I find it now therapeutic to vent/write what I am feeling. My mood is a bit elevated, I think maybe I finally got the right meds, that or I am excited about starting a new job. Whatever the case, I do owe my life to what I will call God, the God as I understand Him.

The problem with being nihilistic, misanthropic, pessimism or whatever other adjective/noun that describes a general distrust and hatred for life, and for the unanswerable questions about life and the universe in general. It all contradicts itself, it defeats existence, it all points to death. I wish nothing more than the later for myself, but I feel as if there is something that is keeping me on a path of existence, and I would be foolish to sway from that path. Besides there are still many pleasures of life that I have discouraged myself from, cowardly accepting defeat and retreating from acceptance.

Do we construct ourselves around a subjective standard, and then try to infuse objective realities that are stemmed from concrete evidence? I have no idea about what the cosmos have to tell us, other than the beauty of the earth we see. I say this in the regards to the acceptance of God, and/or gods. I think that Carl Sagan had the best grasp on god and the philosophical parallels. I think that through the ages mankind has been seeking a certain civility for a range of comfortable living. Of course in the

I would rather die in a place where your human hatred would rather see me. I would rather not believe in a reality that confronts with my freewill. Instead I will shed the collar that strangles me from breathing the oxygen that gives me life. Compromise, adapt, instinctual – animal habits kept intact. You react out of preservation, but till the bitter end what remains important is the next of kin.

Trying to be profound, trying so hard to resemble something that is great that will impress a imaginary audience. The only person watching you, is yourself. That is the delusion of isolation, you begin to impress yourself with delusion, you try hard to be a part of it all, but you’re left alone.

The antagonizing voices, with condescending undertones wishing to damage ego.

Every reverberated echo of mockery engulfs any thought of sincerity, it is all become pointless to reflect on what is reality. Life is optional, there is nothing that holds us here. Meaning is the momentary delusions we entertain, there is nothing resembling a principle decision to exist. I love the faces that reflect my own, and it is with great sadness I have to leave you. The reality of the matter, is that since I was young I always wanted to die.

victimized by life, the only rational escape is death