my issue with schizophrenia and mental illness

my issue with schizophrenia and mental illness

I am going to make myself vulnerable and discuss and speak about something that has personally affected me for a long time but have never publicly spoken about it. This is not a joke and something I make light of for sympathy or any other ulterior motive. I simply want freedom from this and get back a sense of myself and true identity.

I hear audible voices/hallucinations, they come and go. It happens daily, whether home or out and about. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, they are always around. I’ve been having these kinds of episodes for over 2 decades now I am almost 40 years old. I’ve had a theory that at some point in my life somebody planted surveillance technology in my body, but I am not sure.

I am aware that drugs/alcohol do have symptoms of paranoia hallucinations from withdrawal. But I do not have an addiction to anything.

These voices are too specific and conscious, like a real living person. They respond to my thoughts and consciousness. Whether I say something with my mind they can hear and repeat whatever I think. And sometimes they just speak without reason.

I do take medication, but I am currently on a new medication that I’ve only been using for a short time. I speak to a psychiatrist and get mental health treatment. I may need deliverance from demonic possession, but this is something I’ve dealt with for over 2 decades now.

dis mfuka mut b onnn suM drgs

dis mfuka mut b onnn suM drgs

streaming is fun and it is a “community” but it’s all monetized and incentivized around money. It ruins the fun and the grain and fabric of authenticity in place of greed and status. It’s the catastrophic dichotomy of the internet. And entertainment in general. It’s no fault, in anybody and there is no point in finger pointing but it does trivialize and cause me concern to think about this, because while yes, I do enjoy my hobbies and extracurricular activities, but I am perplexed to think that maybe I need to meditate and think about what God has in opportunity for me? because I by myself am swirling in confusion. And not mention the constant schizoid voices and/or demons and are infecting my brain daily, its intolerable to deal with a lot of things placed in front of me. I do want to put more effort and devotion into building this page into something better, but I cannot benial authenticity. 1st world problems, demand first world solutions… and that might be to get all sloshed or meddle my face in a batter of misery. But no there is hope and there is a path that leads and absolves doubt fear and depression and that is in the convincing and comfortable scriptures of our father God in heaven who has gifted us with the bible, so read it and meditate on it like a great piece of food or savory delicacy.

I am sorry to my fans of apathy and depression, and otherwise self-loathing and determinantal mental gymnastics aside. I am laid distressed at this pedigree of life choices I’m faced with. It’s with privilege and duty that I am offered a life to breathe and exist so that I might share this with you, and I hope in good mood.

My psychology and thinking are getting better, but there is still this disconnect between reality and the spiritual. And or if government conspiracy paranoia is present. It never ends and I may die having this mystery in my mind.

some thoughts and reflection

After watching this video from Jordan Peterson he mentioned something interesting and said $5,000 income a year is sustainable for a productive life. A lot of impoverished, homeless etc. are trying to eat, find shelter have access to normal hygiene is too concerned about that to even consider normal functioning living. I’ve been homeless several times in my life and can attest to this. But I can see a progressive lapse in desperate times in America. So resources and community is something that may not be available as it was when I was homeless. Being vigilant and accepting responsible is essential and mandatory.

I don’t know anything about Konstantin Kisin. But do you think the deceiver and liar of this world would allow a skeptic to easily navigate a religion that requires faith and a relationship vs intellectual reasoning? This guy wants his cake and he wants to eat it too (all for himself no doubt), CS Lewis; said in Mere Christianity, “all the thrills of religion without any of the work”.

This brings up woke culture and LGBTQ discussion, which I find most entertaining. Because one thing that disagrees me with me and my conscious is this hate that I am starting to feel for homosexuality and it disagrees with me only because I am indeed feeling hate. And I know that the foundation of a faith in Christ is rooted in love and forgiveness. I’ve always had the stance as long as your sexual interests don’t affect me than I have no real reason to not accept you as a friend. But I know that on a conceptual and even intellectual level, the bible does inherently illustrates it immoral and as sinful. My heart aches for those who are raped and been assaulted and perpetrated by sexual degenerates. This is a topic and discussion that needs more coverage. Especially considering the jail/prison system houses some of the worst. And how do you reckon a survivor of gay rape cases who then becomes and accept this lifestyle. Or if indeed individuals are born homosexual. I’ve come to like and admire Voddie Beaucham for his views, but I am still uneasy about this.

I always like and enjoy skeptics, atheists and the like having productive discussions with believers of all faiths, because it examines and openly distributes the views. But as anyone knows and has to come to accept Christianity is that it is indeed a relationship and its foundation is in faith and trust in God.

Call it schizophrenia, call it the devil these voices really start getting louder in my head.


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